The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
