Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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