finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
