I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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