you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
