the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
