I wish I only lived at night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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