If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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