yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
