It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
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Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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