She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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