Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My feet surprised me
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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