Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
that is very illegal...i love you.
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