Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
