I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
