it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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