You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
