I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
