Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
