my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
