i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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