It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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