I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
