I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
from now on my penis is your penis
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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