alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
