just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
