i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
