Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
