Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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