I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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