Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize