you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
