Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
