"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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