can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
