I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
