You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
