Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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