Well apparently he's into motor boating.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
