I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
