ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My dick has a subreddit
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
