yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
