i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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