I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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