k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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