My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
