That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Houston, we have a blender
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
