At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
