Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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