He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
