i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
