Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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